If you’re new, here’s the lowdown. Two months ago, in a fervor of righteous zeal1, I deactivated my personal Facebook and Instagram accounts and put an ‘away message’ up on my podcast/blog account. You can read about that whole saga here (and for the record, that post remains my most read and most shared post on Substack).
I never got into Twitter or TikTok or Youtube, so these were the only social media sites that I needed to axe. That being said, I was a pretty active user. I have two young kids and one that nurses and almost solely contact naps, so I was doing a lot of scrolling during those nap-trapped, bleary eyed hours. It was an easy dopamine hit and a nice way to connect with adults when most of my time is spent with the 2 1/2 and under crowd. I was also doing a fair amount of posting - crafting stories of my day via Stories, with pretty farm pictures and funny animals and cute kids and outings and so on.
But I would often sign off feeling anxious, distracted, and like I had wasted so much of my precious free time. I had piles of books sitting next to me that I wanted to read but when I would pick one up I’d usually read a page before reaching for my phone to scroll some more. My attention was shot. I also started to have a lot of moral qualms about the very nature of social media - sharing personal information so that it can be sold and mined by businesses for advertising purposes. It was just, for lack of a better word, icky.
You can read all about the why’s and wherefores in the original post. I want this post to be an update, a ‘how it’s going’, and a chance to answer the questions you’ve posited about what a social media-less life is like.
In brief, I don’t miss the apps at all. I actually hardly ever think about them. I only realize it’s such a huge part of so many people’s social life when some friends will start referencing something they assume I know all about, but I don’t, because I haven’t been following their stories or their posts. They actually need to catch me up. This is a lot more fun and interesting and personal, so I don’t mind this in the least. When I would sign off the sites for Lent or some other predetermined amount of time, I did miss them. I was imagining what updates I would share, who I would catch up with when I signed back on, etc. But now that I’ve decided, that’s that, I don’t have these thoughts anymore.
So let’s get to some of the most common questions I’ve gotten -
Are you actually more present?
Yes. One thing I’ve noticed is I take a lot less photos. I actually think this a good thing because I’m a lot less obsessed with getting the perfect shot for my Story or a post. I think even when I wasn’t intending to post a photo I often had these ‘ideal’ pictures in mind, for retrospective purposes. I wanted them to be ‘shareable.’ So I’d spend a lot of time trying to get my baby to make that cute face she made just a minute ago2 or my toddler to say that hilarious phrase again. Now I might snap one photo, one that my husband and I look at after the kids are in bed, or I text to one or two friends, or share with my sister and my mother-in-law, and later, might print and put in a family album.
All this lack of documenting (especially the lack of ‘let’s take a photo of our drinks in this aesthetic light to commemorate our rare mom’s night out!!!!’ that we then all silently post and edit instead of talking) makes me much more in the moment, much more present to the real thing happening right now, not just how it would look in a photo or a post.
Do you have more free time?
Honestly, no. I have no idea when or how I even fit in scrolling social media. My time seems less than ever, maybe because I’m actually filling it with things I enjoy. I absolutely crave free time. Two little ones are very tiring and very time consuming so when I have a precious half hour in the afternoon when naps overlap or a few hours after they’re in bed I savor it - and it goes fast! So I don’t think I have more “free” time, but I feel I’m using the little time I do have much better. I’m reading more, I’m writing more, I’m chatting with friends one on one and having deeper, better conversations.
Is your mental health better?
Yes. One thing that would really mess me up when scrolling social media was the absolute whiplash of seeing some adorable baby photo post from your friend and then some devastating news story all in less than 10 seconds. This made me paranoid, anxious, and just all around pretty pessimistic about the state of the world. When I first signed off, I still had a big desire to scroll so I read a lot of news. Now I only read the news once or twice a week and I’m not barraged with people’s political opinions or the latest virtue signaling trend in Stories. All in all, there’s a lot more quiet in my head. I also have a lot less cognitive dissonance. I knew social media was bad news for a long time but spent a lot of time justifying my use. Now I’m off and I feel at ease with my own sense of right and wrong and how I should use my time.
Have you lost touch with people?
Yes. Luckily many people I had connected with on social media through Born of Wonder I now text or WhatsApp with pretty regularly. Other people, who I maybe would message now and then, or who I often ‘liked’ posts from, I have lost touch with. Some of them were expecting babies or moving or doing other things that I sometimes think - I wonder how that’s going??? But that’s just life. It’s okay to lose touch sometimes.
And I also often think of how in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You the male lead says something like, ‘look if a guy is into you HE WILL FIND A WAY to contact you! He’ll call every girl with your name in the phonebook, he’ll wait out at your favorite coffee shop, he’ll call your boss. He will get in touch with you if he actually likes you.’ And I think this same logic applies to social media friendships or even family members or ‘real life’ acquaintances who primarily kept up to date with me via my social media posts. I’m very reachable - many of them even have my number - I’m findable online - if they want to get in touch, they will.
Do you use your phone less?
Honestly, not really. My phone is my white noise machine when I’m napping with the baby, it’s my portable jukebox and podcast player, it’s where I chat with friends during the day whether by calling or texting. It’s where I read Substack articles and keep ongoing notes filled with research for podcast episodes and essays and book ideas.
I do try not to look at my phone too much when I’m with my 2 1/2 year old, instead opting to pick up a book (which she usually steals, by the way. “That’s Mama’s book…” -raised eyebrow- “But it’s for you. It’s a gift. It’s Jojo’s book…” Oh, okay then.) My Dad also finds it hilarious how much my husband and I text while we’re both at home. We’re often playing man to man with the kids so it’s a great way to communicate when nap trapped or chasing a toddler or whatever. So I like my phone. I want to use it less, but it’s still very much a part of my life.
Do you miss anything about social media?
As I mentioned earlier, there are some aquintances or people I simply followed along with who I’m curious about and I do genuinely miss their updates, but otherwise, no there’s not much I miss. I will say I wish the farm/equestrian community would move off of Facebook. When I was trying to make some connections for horse-related things, I had to have friends post in groups for me with my number. All horse people apparently love Facebook groups - that’s where they’re selling tack, hay, horses, riding coats, etc. So that’s inconvenient, but it’s not worth signing back on for.
Initially I also missed not being able to share updates in my life. I’ve had some significant things happen this summer - very ‘shareable’ things - I’ve got some great photos, they’d make a really nice post… But, you know what? I *do* share these updates. I share them in much more personal ways with friends and family who I want to keep in the loop. I also get much more personal updates from them in return. It’s better. It’s not about my ego anymore, it’s about actually sharing and living life together. So ultimately, I don’t miss the posting aspect either.
Isn’t Substack just another form of social media?
I don’t think so. As I’ve said, I don’t have a problem with being online. I do have a problem with the social media model of online life - the whole business model is to get you addicted so they can get you posting constantly and then sell your information to businesses. This is gross and unethical and I don’t want pictures of my kids or my home or my animals or my life floating around a space like that.
Substack allows independent writers to directly reach their audience and even make some money. They aren’t selling your information and they’re actually rewarding good, long form writing. This seems like a win-win to me. The ‘scrolling’ aspect of Substack - Notes - I frankly find pretty clunky and boring. It doesn’t update often and I see it as a necessity for sharing and connecting with other writers, but it doesn’t have the frantic like-share-comment drive that social media sites manipulate so much.
I think you can get addicted to almost anything, including a good website like Substack, but that doesn’t mean it’s in the same category as Social Media. Substack is also the primary way I’m pursuing what I see as my very real vocation - to write, produce, share, and connect.
I also simply don’t use Substack in the same way I used social media. While I do share personal updates on here, I use it as a more ‘professional’ outlet for my writing. It’s also much more meaningful to me to process and share life through an essay than in a quickly dashed off caption.
Has being off social media had a negative effect on your work - podcasting, writing, etc?
Absolutely not. My Substack has grown by about 30% since I signed off, in large part (ironically) because people found the post about deleting social media and shared it. I also have more time to write and research and I’m putting more essays out than I was before. The podcast is likewise growing and I have done about 3x the amount of interviews I did this time last year (granted I was also first trimester sick, but still). I’ve talked about the possibility of a book with some editors and I see absolutely no downside to signing off when it comes to sharing my creative work.
What’s your plan going forward? Are you deleting the apps for good?
I have decided to simply leave my personal accounts deactivated. I can’t remember the passwords in any case and that way they are ‘there’ if I ever need those old photos or contacts (I know there’s a way to download all this information but it just seems more trouble than it’s worth at this point). I have no intention of signing back on in the near future, if ever. Born of Wonder’s Instagram remains up for the moment with an ‘away message’ directing them to my email and this Substack. There are still people who will hear of the podcast or blog and search for it on social media so this seems like a good way to remain ‘findable’ on Instagram, even if I’m not active on it.
So there you have it! If you have any other questions, feel free to ask them in the comments. I’m a forever work-in-progress when it comes to how I want to use my time (and I am by no means even close to living up to my own hopes and standards) but deleting social media has turned out to be a pretty vital step in living the kind of life I want to live - as a mother, as a writer, and as a mortal human being with only so much time to live this ‘one wild and precious life.’3
When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.
"When Death Comes" by Mary Oliver
And largely inspired by seeing writers I admired like
making a go of it quite happily and successfully without social media.I’ve found it interesting that so many babies simply stop smiling the second a phone is put in their face. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
“The Summer Day” by Mary Oliver
I stayed off of IG for all of July. It was hard at first bc I was missing all the “updates” of people that I followed (who I didn’t even know IRL) 🙄. But after awhile I didn’t think about it. Yesterday I decided to hop on just for a quick peek and ended up sobbing my eyes out over sad dog story; sad story about a miscarriage; sad story about a bullied child. Of course interspersed in their was funny dog and cat videos and some life updates etc. However I have decided that my mental health does not need this level of grief everyday. I am an empath and any suffering sends me over the edge. No thanks IG, I don’t need that trauma. Also, my spending went way down bc I wasn’t being lured into buying all the things by influencers and ads.
I logged off IG permanently back in March (I've been off FB for several years). Like you, I don't miss it even a little bit. The past few months have felt like coming up for air -- I'm able to better tend to my home, children, and creative life because I'm not stuck in that emotional whiplash (you worded that so well). There is so much urgency on social media. Everything is very RIGHTNOWHURRYHURRY. Life off social media is, like you said, still busy but way more fulfilling. I finally got around to painting our homeschool room! (This was a project I'd put off for YEARS that I just up and finished in one night.) I wrote a children's story! Like you, I'm producing more consistently for my own Substack newsletter. Life is just all-around-better in every conceivable way. I can't imagine giving that up for...what? Worrying I'm having less fun than everybody else? Worrying I'm less successful than everybody else? Ugh. What a slog. I prefer sipping my coffee and watching the cardinals chatter at my bird feeder...and then writing, like you said, a long-form essay about how I feel about that and how that relates to homeschooling and parenting a child with a disability. I'm much more reflective, less reactive these days. And, yes, I'm totally someone who found you after you posted about getting off social media because I was (and still am) seeking like minds to encourage me in this alternative way of existing. It is intoxicating here. I cannot picture giving up real things again for pictures of someone else's things.