Are things actually terrible?

Or did the internet just tell you they are?

I was out for drinks with friends this week having an interesting conversation. It was about teenagers and basically - are they alright? My one friend is a middle school teacher. He’s in the thick of it. And there are some worrying trends, especially when it comes to reading comprehension and an over-reliance on technology. He notices it. But what he notices more is how bright and funny and kind and resilient many of his students are.

He notices that many of the same issues we dealt with as kids are still prevalent - there are cliques and awkward social dynamics and kids playing pranks. And - just like when we were in school - there are also intelligent, happy, interested, driven kids doing their best. You may not think of these kids when you read Jonathan Haidt¹ or the latest New York Times article about teens and mental health.

I’ve taken to riding with our neighbor’s teenage daughter a number of times during the week, that is when I can catch her between camp counseling and family vacations. I really enjoy her company. She is bright and a stellar rider and nervous about high school (weren’t we all!). We talk about friend group drama and theater and horses and I think, what’s all this angst about teens? They’re doing just fine.

But then I think of my other friend, about a decade ahead of me in parenting, and how she talks about locking her kids’ phones in a safe at night because it’s the only way she can pry them out of their hands. She talks about the group chats and the bullying and how everyone is being made to grow up much too fast.

Both of these realities can be true. The kids can be okay, and not okay. Her kids can be not okay in some ways, and other kids can be just fine in other ways. It’s hard to hold all this in our heads and it certainly doesn’t make for a catchy headline. Can you imagine?

BREAKING NEWS: SOME KIDS ARE DOING GREAT, SOME KIDS ARE NOT

who’s clicking? not me.

What brought about all this thinking was that today I was sifting through the past five or six years correspondence. It had cluttered up two of our kitchen drawers and we were finally getting around to organizing it all.² I couldn’t help smiling and even tearing up a time or two - there were letters from friends, old, new - there were Christmas cards and birth announcements - there were anniversary letters and Valentine’s Day cards - there were postcards and prayer cards - there were letters from Born of Wonder listeners and readers - artwork and doodles - a series of comic strips a friend and I made in high school that she scanned for me to have a copy (Hero + Sidekick 4ever) - there were sympathy cards and thinking of you notes -

a whole, full life in those drawers.

And a life you wouldn’t think you’d find nowadays, if we trusted the stats. No one sends letters anymore! Postage is going up again, did you hear? The Post Office is barely surviving, no one’s sending a note to grandma, and we’re all going to have nothing to put in our memoirs but a series of sad printed out Tweets (Xs? What’s the lingo now?). But here was the evidence right in front of me.

I send letters! A lot of people I know send letters! We value postcards and physical photos and scrapbooks. Maybe we aren’t a big enough majority to make the news, but why am I getting all sad and bent out of shape about the lack of the written word in my life? It’s not true!

I have a box of letters in the basement from when my husband and I first met when we were eighteen. We lived one dorm away, about a thirty second walk from one another, but we wrote each other letters almost every other day for at least a year. Some things were easier to say on paper. And they say there’s no romance! (Who are they anyway?)

You know how you always hear about how parents are way too overprotective of their kids these days in spite of the fact that the odds of a kid getting kidnapped, etc., is lower than ever? Well, who can blame them when they have a true crime podcast or docuseries playing on a sad, disturbing, voyeuristic 24/7 loop? I know I went and locked my doors more often after listening to Serial.

Are people polarized more than ever? Yes. But do I also personally know and love people of different religious and political persuasions, who disagree deeply on incredibly divisive issues? Also yes. Could I invite these people all to one big backyard barbecue and avoid a fist fight? Also yes. Most people - in real life - are pretty willing to discuss issues openly. Do people still get upset, frustrated, etc.? Of course. Human life is fraught and relationships are tricky. But are people perfectly capable of existing together socially despite deep differences? Are they quite willing to not talk about politics and drink a beer together and laugh over old Seinfeld episodes? 100% yes.

Did you hear the birth-rate is at an all-time low? (who hasn’t heard?) Yes, it’s upsetting! People are running around shouting about cat ladies and selfish millennials and other people are crying over the environment and opting for a 50th vacation over preschool tuition. Other people can’t afford their groceries and are living in their parents’ basement and glazing over at the talk of kids. Talk about some good click-bait running around.

(And of course, there are plenty of people who wanted kids who didn’t have them and there are also people not having kids for much more complicated, personal reasons than will ever fit into a headline and I think trying to even discuss the incredibly fraught, deeply complicated reality of family size on the level of statistics is never, ever going to capture the reality. But headlines can’t handle nuance.)

So, there’s the statistic and then there’s my reality. In 2024, I have eight friends who have had or will have a baby. Two more friends are expecting in 2025. All of these people are under 35 and for many of them it is their second, third, or even fourth child. And I can’t even credit the Catholic ghetto here for all these happy family vibes. Over half of these friends are not religious, are highly educated, and opting to have kids. So I don’t really know what the Times wants to do with this information, but it’s real and it’s happening and it doesn’t fit the trend.

Maybe my small-scale life is a rarity. But also maybe it’s not. Only time will tell.

Basically what I’m saying is we can all get awfully depressed if we just read the news or scroll all day long. After a half hour reading The New York Times, and even reading certain publications right here on Substack, I’m starting to think, you know maybe I am traumatized! Maybe the world is going to hell in a hand basket! And meanwhile I have some laughing kids making jokes, sunflowers blooming across the way, and a glass of wine on the counter. There’s some dissonance here.

And of course the dissonance can go the other way, too. Maybe you spend all afternoon scrolling Instagram enjoying everyone’s highlight reel and you’re thinking about how your relationship is in shambles and you just got fired and you’re in a fight with all your siblings. But that highlight reel also isn’t reality. There are a lot of hurting, broken people in the world and a lot of those hurting, broken people are right there in your feed, smiling back at you.

The world can feel overwhelming. And because outrage sells, that’s what we’re often encountering online. It can bleed into our real, lived lives and make us miss the beautiful realities right in front of us.

People don’t read anymore, but some friends and I started a bookclub this summer. Parents are statistically unhappier than non-parents, but I’m happier than I ever was before kids. Churches are dying, but I go to Mass every week at a service bursting with disruptive children and young parents.

Life comes at you fast, the good and the bad. Make sure you’re awake to the real life in front of you, not the stats on the page.

I mean, think of Jack Dawson -

“Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people.”

Just an hour ago, I was wrestling a wild toddler into a sleep sack for bedtime thinking of that glass of bourbon I’d enjoy, and now here I am sipping said bourbon, writing a Substack essay for you fine people.

So, I don’t know what the news is broadcasting tonight, but for me, life is good.

cheers. x

Come to Ireland with me in October 2024!!!!

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1. I’m his #1 fan, no offense meant.

2. Total credit to my husband here, I would have never been motivated to tackle this chaos but he took the lead.