Happy birthday, Katie!! I had never heard that idea of an "underlying melody" to life before, but it really resonates with me, especially as I've been feeling a bit blown off course recently. Searching for the notes that I know sounds like a beautiful and accessible way of discerning where to go next. Thanks so much for framing this in such a lovely, thoughtful way!
Isn't it such a lovely concept? I think of it so often! And it helps me recognize those consistent threads and joys throughout my life - and return to them, when needed.
That bit about ignoring your children more rings true. Although I will say, I notice more of the "doting parent" vibe from people who only have one, maybe two children. We had three within three years and I feel like they get a TON of benign neglect out of sheer necessity. So a lot of it comes down to how many children one has and how they approach parenting. I know some people from church who have one or two young kids and do all sorts of lessons and stuff and I feel like a neglectful parent in comparison. lol But again, a lot of this comes down to capacity based on ages and numbers of children (and what you think they even need).
I will always be team Benign Neglect--in proper ways--for at-home parents! The alternative seems exhausting, and it surely doesn't describe all at-home parents. (I think my mother-in-law thought that's what my life was like with our three boys, as she did not stay home really at all.... but has been in for a shock whenever they visit. A lot of it is taking care of basic needs, outdoor free play alone or with friends, reading, or helping with household chores. That's it. There's already so much testosterone energy, I'm not making it harder than it needs to be, and they get to learn I am a person too. haha)
Another point about daycare that Mary Harrington has made (I think it's behind a paywall now!) is that there is a huge element of safety-ism out of bureacratic necesssity. Workers are over-cautious about letting kids do much risky play because, well, they'd have to fill out all the forms and do all the communicating about it, and don't want to look bad. Meanwhile, a parent with a child at home is able to allow much more risky play and give much more space for physical bumps and bruises, because well, you're the parent and aren't responsible for someone else's kid. You are the first line of accountability and comfort. Harrington equates this safety-ism of institutional care with the rise of some level of risk-aversion in adults and young people who spent most of their formative years under the eye of people whose priority for them was absolute safety. I think about that a lot as my boys get to do all sorts of stupid experiments and physical stuff outside that they would *never* be able to elsewhere. But it's good for them.
Such good thoughts, Haley and completely agree. My girls are 22 months apart and so much of their lives I feel like has been a basic survival mode. We are lucky to live on a farm -- but it also means there's simply a lot TO DO. I resented this a bit when they were younger, but I now see the fruits of it. From day one both girls have simply been toted along, down to the barn, cutting brush, out in the garden etc. I never felt like I had to entertain them - they did their own version of 'work' (and often made a mess in the process, but ah well! I have done plenty of barn hose downs in the summer time). It made my life easier and I got things done. I also personally can't stand most 'entertainment' aimed at kids - story time is a nightmare for me, ha! So instead the kids come to breweries, restaurants, out hiking, and basically doing whatever we want to do... and they seem to really love it! I would really get so stressed if I felt like I had to mold my existence to some abstract ideal of toddler-ish (which I don't think is even good for kids in many cases).
Interesting point about the safetyism. It's probably more of an issue in the litigious US I agree. I'm very grateful for the Nature School my kid attends - we had to sign many wavers - but the kids literally spend all day climbing trees and getting into risky business, and yes sometimes come home with bruises and scrapes. It's been so great for her to be out with other children without my worried-Mom oversight. Grateful for this (paid for, but very real) village.
Um where does one find a school ike that? Amazing. Love your approach to parenting; we do the same. Wish we lived in a place where there were more cool things going on though... we are at home a lot :S
We're really lucky to have it. We're trying to get into a different preschool next year because its a prek-8th that we absolutely adore but it is a more traditional school model.. (though they maintain two outdoor recesses a day on a big campus up through 8th grade which I think is amazing!!) I'm glad she had her wild days at nature school !!
I'm laughing at the story time comment. I went to one at our local library and it was my own personal nightmare. I rather my kids be doing regular people things than that all day. haha That Nature School sounds AMAZING.
I did a baby and me music class with my first and as a I waltzed around a church lawn to Scarborough Fair I thought... NEVER again! Haha. My poor second child has not been indulged in the kid centric activities because Mom wants to keep her sanity :)
Re: safetyism - I hate to see this. Sometimes when we're at parks a daycare group will show up and it bums me out so much to see how the adults police their behavior. But like you said, it makes sense why. Just sad for those kiddos!
Happiest of birthdays, Katie Marquette! I shared your kind mention of my newsletter with my husband over coffee this morning.
Me: "Someone just shared my newsletter and said I was one of her favorite Substack writers!"
Husband: "Who?"
Me: "Katie Marquette. She's a Catholic writer..."
Husband: "Oh! I've heard you mention her before! That was nice of her!"
Anyway, thanks for the lovely share. It made me smile before I'd even had a sip of coffee (and, no, I shouldn't have been looking at my phone that early in the morning...oops). Hope you celebrate well today, Katie. Thanks so much for all you do to encourage and uplift others. Eat cake!
It wasn't nice of me -- just giving just recognition to great writing :)) So glad I have some 'name recognition' in your house, Heather - I'm honored. Thank you for sharing your words with us and for reading mine!
Happy Birthday. I hope your trip is glorious, and that you have so many opportunities to connect with others that your book will never need to come out of your bag. I love your musings on the melody of your life. It reminded me of a favorite passage from a favorite author:
A burst of harmony so brilliant that it almost overwhelmed them surrounded Meg, the cherubim, Calvin, and Mr. Jenkins. But after a moment of breathlessness, Meg was able to open herself to the song of the farae, these strange creatures who were deepened, rooted, yet never separated from each other, no matter how great the distance.
We are the song of the universe. We sing with the angelic host. We are musicians. The farae and the stars are the singers. Our song orders the rhythm of creation.
Thanks for the shout out! I continue to think about our lack of ritual. Oof.
Happy Birthday and enjoy your trip! So amazing, and equally amazing to have such robust family support and encouragement.
I LOVE Jen Fulwiler. Her podcast is amazing but I don't manage to keep up with it. I'll be heading to listen to that episode just as soon as I post this comment!
Regarding the NYT piece... I can't read it, but I've seen people talking about it and I can about imagine what it says. (You can correct me if I'm wrong.) I absolutely think people over-parent their kids, thinking they need to entertain them and/or be their playmates, for example. But that line about daycare... no. I've seen other people make this argument, that the hunter-gatherer lifestyle - it should be a village of caretaking adults and older kids! - is equal to daycare. Yeah, it just isn't. In hunter-gatherer societies, Mom was close by most of the time, and when she wasn't, kids were in the care of well-known-to-the-mother people. This isn't similar to standard modern daycare at all. I'm not saying daYcARe iS eViL, but it annoys me when people make that argument because, at least if we're talking full-time off-site daycare, that isn't a comparable experience for kids at all. I'm mostly an at-home parent and I ignore my kids a LOT, but I'm there when they need me and when someone else cares for them, it's someone that I know and they know well. My two cents. :)
Thank you Amber! I really enjoyed your piece. I think the ritual aspect in Catholicism was one of the first things that drew me in.. I went to a Rorate Mass during Advent and was just overwhelmed. I still get so much joy and purpose in the rhythms of the Liturgical Year (watered down as they are in 2024) and am grateful for the clear rituals around confirmation, confession, communion, marriage, sickness, even death. So yes - Ritual!! We need it! I also notice the absolute flood of sympathy and almost compulsive need I have to help my first-time Mom friends. It's like they're in this tribe now and I just want to officially 'welcome' them and also just HELP with the (very little) wisdom I do have at this point in motherhood. I think the transition from 'maiden' to 'wife' to 'mother' in the sort of archetypal format is so foundational to who we are as women and we just have no way to recognize that. I never had a baby shower (my first pregnancy was during covid) and I never vibed with the pastel cutsey aesthetic anyway. It didn't seem right for this raw, beautiful, primal thing of motherhood! Anyway, I could go on - but you said it all best in your essay already :)
And yes you're pretty close on the NYT article! I think the piece is somewhat simplistic because it assumes an ever present parent is sort of constantly 'entertaining' their kids when of course many 'stay at home' parents are also doing their own work, running a household, exercising, cooking, etc. with kids around and not playing personal entertainment director. But I think the point is well taken - especially in secular culture I think there is a huge emphasis on kids activities, clubs, sports, basically to the detriment of the whole family. And then we have a lot of exhausted, semi-miserable parents and the kids aren't any better off. So the article wisely points out the resiliency of kids and that in many cases they thrive with a more hands off approach, involving multiple caretakers and certainly the presence of mixed age kid groups. I do agree with your point re daycare vs Mom, especially for very little kids and certainly for babies (who are basically one unit with a nursing mother)! It's totally different. I do also think it's difficult to talk about "daycare" versus "stay at home" because there are so many variations on this. A kid could be thriving at a great daycare facility with caring providers and lots of children who would have been stifled at home with an over-stimulated mother who simply cannot provide proper care atm and no other peers. That definitely can happen. And then of course there are these rigid daycares wedded to liability concerns who are forcing babies onto unnatural schedules, relying on screens and bottle propping and no this is 100% not better than a home environment. So as usual we have to go with the annoyingly vague "it depends." But I thought the point about 'ignoring' kids ie allowing them to entertain themselves, use their imagination, and also (bonus!) letting the adults enjoy their adult lives was well taken.
Happy birthday, Katie!! The Doctor Who episodes you mention and the overall reflection on time make me think of one of my all-time favorite movies, About Time, which never fails to have me sobbing at the end as I remember again the preciousness of my own "extraordinary, ordinary life." On a less inspiring but still interesting note, the movie The Adjustment Bureau dealt with all of these themes too. I think I'm drawn to these sorts of stories because they leave me in awe of the particularity of my one life with each circumstance and detail that led me to where I am. Hope you have an amazing trip to Ireland and many blessings in the new year!
Thank you Danielle! I LOVE the movie 'About Time' for those reasons. Might be time for a rewatch. I've never seen the Adjustment Bureau.. I'll need to look it up. I'm totally fascinated by Time/Fate/and the 'what could have beens.'
Happy birthday, Katie! Hope you have a lovely day!
Thanks for sharing the little prayer to St. Raphael. I have been praying very, very hard for God to send me a friend, and I will now be asking St. Raphael's help too :)
This has got to be one of your most poetic posts. 💜
I feel like that “shaky ground” where you’re suddenly aware of all the “moments and chances and choices that seemed beyond my control at the time” is the perfect place to stop and WONDER at it all! And know the safe trust that God has His hand on things. It gives me such a thrill!
Also I would literally love to teach you to knit!! 😁 I love knitting.
I would love to learn from you Joanna! Maybe we can incorporate some cozy knitting book club style sessions in this winter :)) Thank you as always for reading and your kind words!
Happy Birthday! What a beautiful reflection-I’ve never heard that St. Raphael prayer and I love it. Must be something about fall because my mind has been running along similar paths of the what ifs and what could/couldn’t bes of life. It is incredible to look at my family and realize all that had to happen to get us here. May you have a blessed trip to Ireland!
I think it is something about the shifting seasons, etc - I get very introspective! It is amazing to see all the possibilities, the 'what could have beens' - it truly makes me so grateful. Thank you for the well wishes!
Happy birthday, Katie!! I had never heard that idea of an "underlying melody" to life before, but it really resonates with me, especially as I've been feeling a bit blown off course recently. Searching for the notes that I know sounds like a beautiful and accessible way of discerning where to go next. Thanks so much for framing this in such a lovely, thoughtful way!
Isn't it such a lovely concept? I think of it so often! And it helps me recognize those consistent threads and joys throughout my life - and return to them, when needed.
That bit about ignoring your children more rings true. Although I will say, I notice more of the "doting parent" vibe from people who only have one, maybe two children. We had three within three years and I feel like they get a TON of benign neglect out of sheer necessity. So a lot of it comes down to how many children one has and how they approach parenting. I know some people from church who have one or two young kids and do all sorts of lessons and stuff and I feel like a neglectful parent in comparison. lol But again, a lot of this comes down to capacity based on ages and numbers of children (and what you think they even need).
I will always be team Benign Neglect--in proper ways--for at-home parents! The alternative seems exhausting, and it surely doesn't describe all at-home parents. (I think my mother-in-law thought that's what my life was like with our three boys, as she did not stay home really at all.... but has been in for a shock whenever they visit. A lot of it is taking care of basic needs, outdoor free play alone or with friends, reading, or helping with household chores. That's it. There's already so much testosterone energy, I'm not making it harder than it needs to be, and they get to learn I am a person too. haha)
Another point about daycare that Mary Harrington has made (I think it's behind a paywall now!) is that there is a huge element of safety-ism out of bureacratic necesssity. Workers are over-cautious about letting kids do much risky play because, well, they'd have to fill out all the forms and do all the communicating about it, and don't want to look bad. Meanwhile, a parent with a child at home is able to allow much more risky play and give much more space for physical bumps and bruises, because well, you're the parent and aren't responsible for someone else's kid. You are the first line of accountability and comfort. Harrington equates this safety-ism of institutional care with the rise of some level of risk-aversion in adults and young people who spent most of their formative years under the eye of people whose priority for them was absolute safety. I think about that a lot as my boys get to do all sorts of stupid experiments and physical stuff outside that they would *never* be able to elsewhere. But it's good for them.
Such good thoughts, Haley and completely agree. My girls are 22 months apart and so much of their lives I feel like has been a basic survival mode. We are lucky to live on a farm -- but it also means there's simply a lot TO DO. I resented this a bit when they were younger, but I now see the fruits of it. From day one both girls have simply been toted along, down to the barn, cutting brush, out in the garden etc. I never felt like I had to entertain them - they did their own version of 'work' (and often made a mess in the process, but ah well! I have done plenty of barn hose downs in the summer time). It made my life easier and I got things done. I also personally can't stand most 'entertainment' aimed at kids - story time is a nightmare for me, ha! So instead the kids come to breweries, restaurants, out hiking, and basically doing whatever we want to do... and they seem to really love it! I would really get so stressed if I felt like I had to mold my existence to some abstract ideal of toddler-ish (which I don't think is even good for kids in many cases).
Interesting point about the safetyism. It's probably more of an issue in the litigious US I agree. I'm very grateful for the Nature School my kid attends - we had to sign many wavers - but the kids literally spend all day climbing trees and getting into risky business, and yes sometimes come home with bruises and scrapes. It's been so great for her to be out with other children without my worried-Mom oversight. Grateful for this (paid for, but very real) village.
Um where does one find a school ike that? Amazing. Love your approach to parenting; we do the same. Wish we lived in a place where there were more cool things going on though... we are at home a lot :S
We're really lucky to have it. We're trying to get into a different preschool next year because its a prek-8th that we absolutely adore but it is a more traditional school model.. (though they maintain two outdoor recesses a day on a big campus up through 8th grade which I think is amazing!!) I'm glad she had her wild days at nature school !!
I'm laughing at the story time comment. I went to one at our local library and it was my own personal nightmare. I rather my kids be doing regular people things than that all day. haha That Nature School sounds AMAZING.
I did a baby and me music class with my first and as a I waltzed around a church lawn to Scarborough Fair I thought... NEVER again! Haha. My poor second child has not been indulged in the kid centric activities because Mom wants to keep her sanity :)
Re: safetyism - I hate to see this. Sometimes when we're at parks a daycare group will show up and it bums me out so much to see how the adults police their behavior. But like you said, it makes sense why. Just sad for those kiddos!
Happiest of birthdays, Katie Marquette! I shared your kind mention of my newsletter with my husband over coffee this morning.
Me: "Someone just shared my newsletter and said I was one of her favorite Substack writers!"
Husband: "Who?"
Me: "Katie Marquette. She's a Catholic writer..."
Husband: "Oh! I've heard you mention her before! That was nice of her!"
Anyway, thanks for the lovely share. It made me smile before I'd even had a sip of coffee (and, no, I shouldn't have been looking at my phone that early in the morning...oops). Hope you celebrate well today, Katie. Thanks so much for all you do to encourage and uplift others. Eat cake!
It wasn't nice of me -- just giving just recognition to great writing :)) So glad I have some 'name recognition' in your house, Heather - I'm honored. Thank you for sharing your words with us and for reading mine!
Happy Birthday. I hope your trip is glorious, and that you have so many opportunities to connect with others that your book will never need to come out of your bag. I love your musings on the melody of your life. It reminded me of a favorite passage from a favorite author:
A burst of harmony so brilliant that it almost overwhelmed them surrounded Meg, the cherubim, Calvin, and Mr. Jenkins. But after a moment of breathlessness, Meg was able to open herself to the song of the farae, these strange creatures who were deepened, rooted, yet never separated from each other, no matter how great the distance.
We are the song of the universe. We sing with the angelic host. We are musicians. The farae and the stars are the singers. Our song orders the rhythm of creation.
Madeleine L'Engle, A Wind in the Door
Thank you Maryann! This is a wonderful quote and L'Engle is one of my very favorite writers as well :)
Thanks for the shout out! I continue to think about our lack of ritual. Oof.
Happy Birthday and enjoy your trip! So amazing, and equally amazing to have such robust family support and encouragement.
I LOVE Jen Fulwiler. Her podcast is amazing but I don't manage to keep up with it. I'll be heading to listen to that episode just as soon as I post this comment!
Regarding the NYT piece... I can't read it, but I've seen people talking about it and I can about imagine what it says. (You can correct me if I'm wrong.) I absolutely think people over-parent their kids, thinking they need to entertain them and/or be their playmates, for example. But that line about daycare... no. I've seen other people make this argument, that the hunter-gatherer lifestyle - it should be a village of caretaking adults and older kids! - is equal to daycare. Yeah, it just isn't. In hunter-gatherer societies, Mom was close by most of the time, and when she wasn't, kids were in the care of well-known-to-the-mother people. This isn't similar to standard modern daycare at all. I'm not saying daYcARe iS eViL, but it annoys me when people make that argument because, at least if we're talking full-time off-site daycare, that isn't a comparable experience for kids at all. I'm mostly an at-home parent and I ignore my kids a LOT, but I'm there when they need me and when someone else cares for them, it's someone that I know and they know well. My two cents. :)
Thank you Amber! I really enjoyed your piece. I think the ritual aspect in Catholicism was one of the first things that drew me in.. I went to a Rorate Mass during Advent and was just overwhelmed. I still get so much joy and purpose in the rhythms of the Liturgical Year (watered down as they are in 2024) and am grateful for the clear rituals around confirmation, confession, communion, marriage, sickness, even death. So yes - Ritual!! We need it! I also notice the absolute flood of sympathy and almost compulsive need I have to help my first-time Mom friends. It's like they're in this tribe now and I just want to officially 'welcome' them and also just HELP with the (very little) wisdom I do have at this point in motherhood. I think the transition from 'maiden' to 'wife' to 'mother' in the sort of archetypal format is so foundational to who we are as women and we just have no way to recognize that. I never had a baby shower (my first pregnancy was during covid) and I never vibed with the pastel cutsey aesthetic anyway. It didn't seem right for this raw, beautiful, primal thing of motherhood! Anyway, I could go on - but you said it all best in your essay already :)
And yes you're pretty close on the NYT article! I think the piece is somewhat simplistic because it assumes an ever present parent is sort of constantly 'entertaining' their kids when of course many 'stay at home' parents are also doing their own work, running a household, exercising, cooking, etc. with kids around and not playing personal entertainment director. But I think the point is well taken - especially in secular culture I think there is a huge emphasis on kids activities, clubs, sports, basically to the detriment of the whole family. And then we have a lot of exhausted, semi-miserable parents and the kids aren't any better off. So the article wisely points out the resiliency of kids and that in many cases they thrive with a more hands off approach, involving multiple caretakers and certainly the presence of mixed age kid groups. I do agree with your point re daycare vs Mom, especially for very little kids and certainly for babies (who are basically one unit with a nursing mother)! It's totally different. I do also think it's difficult to talk about "daycare" versus "stay at home" because there are so many variations on this. A kid could be thriving at a great daycare facility with caring providers and lots of children who would have been stifled at home with an over-stimulated mother who simply cannot provide proper care atm and no other peers. That definitely can happen. And then of course there are these rigid daycares wedded to liability concerns who are forcing babies onto unnatural schedules, relying on screens and bottle propping and no this is 100% not better than a home environment. So as usual we have to go with the annoyingly vague "it depends." But I thought the point about 'ignoring' kids ie allowing them to entertain themselves, use their imagination, and also (bonus!) letting the adults enjoy their adult lives was well taken.
Happy birthday, Katie!! The Doctor Who episodes you mention and the overall reflection on time make me think of one of my all-time favorite movies, About Time, which never fails to have me sobbing at the end as I remember again the preciousness of my own "extraordinary, ordinary life." On a less inspiring but still interesting note, the movie The Adjustment Bureau dealt with all of these themes too. I think I'm drawn to these sorts of stories because they leave me in awe of the particularity of my one life with each circumstance and detail that led me to where I am. Hope you have an amazing trip to Ireland and many blessings in the new year!
Thank you Danielle! I LOVE the movie 'About Time' for those reasons. Might be time for a rewatch. I've never seen the Adjustment Bureau.. I'll need to look it up. I'm totally fascinated by Time/Fate/and the 'what could have beens.'
Happy birthday, Katie! Hope you have a lovely day!
Thanks for sharing the little prayer to St. Raphael. I have been praying very, very hard for God to send me a friend, and I will now be asking St. Raphael's help too :)
Thank you Angela! St. Raphael will definitely look out for you :) Prayers for a wonderful friendship in the near future!
This has got to be one of your most poetic posts. 💜
I feel like that “shaky ground” where you’re suddenly aware of all the “moments and chances and choices that seemed beyond my control at the time” is the perfect place to stop and WONDER at it all! And know the safe trust that God has His hand on things. It gives me such a thrill!
Also I would literally love to teach you to knit!! 😁 I love knitting.
I would love to learn from you Joanna! Maybe we can incorporate some cozy knitting book club style sessions in this winter :)) Thank you as always for reading and your kind words!
And thank you so very much for sharing my post!
Happy Birthday! What a beautiful reflection-I’ve never heard that St. Raphael prayer and I love it. Must be something about fall because my mind has been running along similar paths of the what ifs and what could/couldn’t bes of life. It is incredible to look at my family and realize all that had to happen to get us here. May you have a blessed trip to Ireland!
I think it is something about the shifting seasons, etc - I get very introspective! It is amazing to see all the possibilities, the 'what could have beens' - it truly makes me so grateful. Thank you for the well wishes!