“Kids are people, not projects, and no amount of right schools (or homeschool/co-ops) or extracurriculars (or no extracurriculars) can give you much control over the basic, deep-down things.” Amen, amen! You can, in Montessori lingo, “prepare the environment” for children, but you cannot make them to be certain kinds of people. In more proverbial language, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.”
Yes, that's exactly it Kerri! I feel more and more that our responsibilities as parents is to provide the best environment *we can* within our means, abilities, etc. but also an environment that makes sense for the family as a whole (anytime I hear someone say "but it's for the kids" and literally everyone is miserable I start having questions). Once we've taught certain values, created a certain type of home life, then.. it's up to them! Hard to let go of that control, but so important.
I have those questions too! Self-sacrifice is important, but being miserable when you could otherwise make some very manageable changes to create a more peaceful home seems foolish.
Yes to all of this! Imo the most “intensive” thing about parenting these days is the mental anguish that parents (mainly mothers) put themselves through worrying about doing things the “best” way - from birth, to nursing, to sleep decisions, to education, to work, and everything in between. In the end, everyone’s kids will end up with strengths and weaknesses, parts of their childhoods they are thankful for and others they resent, they will make choices we hate and we will ask ourselves what we did wrong, but hopefully we’ll love them anyway and if we’re lucky, they’ll love us too. All any of us can do, ultimately, is balance what we think is best for our kids with our resources and the needs of other members of the family.
You've nailed it, Gina. As I get older I realize more and more that no childhood is perfect. I have my own issues with how I was raised... but there's A LOT that was wonderful and that I try to replicate in my own family life. It's hard to accept that you can't/won't do things perfectly as a parent, but once you realize there's no *perfect choice* you can actually start to relax and enjoy your kids as fellow human beings!
Lifestyles aren't really a life. 1000x yes, Katie! I also *love* that photo of your mom on your first birthday: she's happy and relaxed, and the photo is just so very real. Nothing staged, photoshopped; just a joyful mother enjoying her baby. We need more of that today!
(Maybe my next essay should be called "Mom, Chill Out.")
Such a lovely, heartwarming post Katie - I did enjoy hearing more about your wonderful-sounding mother. What a legacy she left, with so many people flying in to celebrate her life and work ten years on. You must miss her so much and wish she could see your children flourishing. She would be very proud of your work ethic too. (Thanks for including me in your great links, I'm honoured to be mentioned. I too always want to celebrate Plath's achievements around her birthday!)
I named my son Milo after spotting the name in the "Gilmore Girls" opening credits and thinking it was such a cool name. Team Jess all the way over here!
I loved this post so much—not only was it wise and insightful but also a lovely look into your mom’s legacy. And I smiled when you mentioned the Breyer horses!! I spent sooo much of my childhood putting on little horse shows etc with mine haha
I went back to in person work after four years in an office this year. I now work full time with horses and it is just wonderful, even my commute down 95 is tolerable. No more WFH for me again if I have any say in it.
“Kids are people, not projects, and no amount of right schools (or homeschool/co-ops) or extracurriculars (or no extracurriculars) can give you much control over the basic, deep-down things.” Amen, amen! You can, in Montessori lingo, “prepare the environment” for children, but you cannot make them to be certain kinds of people. In more proverbial language, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.”
Yes, that's exactly it Kerri! I feel more and more that our responsibilities as parents is to provide the best environment *we can* within our means, abilities, etc. but also an environment that makes sense for the family as a whole (anytime I hear someone say "but it's for the kids" and literally everyone is miserable I start having questions). Once we've taught certain values, created a certain type of home life, then.. it's up to them! Hard to let go of that control, but so important.
I have those questions too! Self-sacrifice is important, but being miserable when you could otherwise make some very manageable changes to create a more peaceful home seems foolish.
Yes to all of this! Imo the most “intensive” thing about parenting these days is the mental anguish that parents (mainly mothers) put themselves through worrying about doing things the “best” way - from birth, to nursing, to sleep decisions, to education, to work, and everything in between. In the end, everyone’s kids will end up with strengths and weaknesses, parts of their childhoods they are thankful for and others they resent, they will make choices we hate and we will ask ourselves what we did wrong, but hopefully we’ll love them anyway and if we’re lucky, they’ll love us too. All any of us can do, ultimately, is balance what we think is best for our kids with our resources and the needs of other members of the family.
You've nailed it, Gina. As I get older I realize more and more that no childhood is perfect. I have my own issues with how I was raised... but there's A LOT that was wonderful and that I try to replicate in my own family life. It's hard to accept that you can't/won't do things perfectly as a parent, but once you realize there's no *perfect choice* you can actually start to relax and enjoy your kids as fellow human beings!
I absolutely loved reading this. Especially as a new mum in a community of loving aunties and uncles but no other parents.
Thanks so much for reading Sonia! Congratulations on becoming a Mom - it's a wonderful adventure :)
Lifestyles aren't really a life. 1000x yes, Katie! I also *love* that photo of your mom on your first birthday: she's happy and relaxed, and the photo is just so very real. Nothing staged, photoshopped; just a joyful mother enjoying her baby. We need more of that today!
(Maybe my next essay should be called "Mom, Chill Out.")
Such cozy musings. The perfect read over coffee. 💜
Thank you sweet friend!
Such a lovely, heartwarming post Katie - I did enjoy hearing more about your wonderful-sounding mother. What a legacy she left, with so many people flying in to celebrate her life and work ten years on. You must miss her so much and wish she could see your children flourishing. She would be very proud of your work ethic too. (Thanks for including me in your great links, I'm honoured to be mentioned. I too always want to celebrate Plath's achievements around her birthday!)
Thank you so much for reading and for these kind words Ann!
My pleasure, Katie - your posts always give me so much to think about.
I named my son Milo after spotting the name in the "Gilmore Girls" opening credits and thinking it was such a cool name. Team Jess all the way over here!
That is incredible Gilmore Girls fangirling there Heather, I love it. It IS a cool name. And I'm with you on Jess this go round!
I just loved Jess as a teenager - and as evidenced by that gif in Katie's post, I think he was a true romantic!
I loved this post so much—not only was it wise and insightful but also a lovely look into your mom’s legacy. And I smiled when you mentioned the Breyer horses!! I spent sooo much of my childhood putting on little horse shows etc with mine haha
I bought a Breyer for myself as an adult recently. So fun!
I went back to in person work after four years in an office this year. I now work full time with horses and it is just wonderful, even my commute down 95 is tolerable. No more WFH for me again if I have any say in it.