monthly musings vol. 9
on recovery time, our conversion anniversary, and not waiting to decorate
If you’re like me, you’re reading this in some sort of post-Thanksgiving food-company- overload coma. One of the hardest parts of parenthood for me has been having very little recovery time. Black Fridays of yore were spent lounging on the couch with leftover plate no. 3 and a Hallmark Christmas movie to poke fun at. There was plenty of time for a leisurely walk in the brisk November air and maybe a long afternoon nap.
No longer! There’s a nap-striking baby who insists on being held every moment of the day and a very active toddler who’s favorite activities include frantic organizing, ‘running all over the place,’ and throwing stuffed animals in the air to ‘fly WAY up high in the sky!’ Needless to say this Thanksgiving and every single day I am extremely grateful for the gift of hot black coffee.
So now it’s Saturday and Chris and I are trying to build in a little recovery time for both of us. Yet, even now, with one kid in an early quiet time thanks to a 5am wake up and a little cold and one baby *thankfully* down for her morning nap, I feel a sense of frantic anticipation. There’s only so much time to relax! Do it, do it now! Relax, read, eat - GO!
And yes, believe it or not, writing for this Substack is relaxing for me. I was recently reminded how when I was about eight years old I would run into the living room to ask my parents for writing prompts and then dash back to the office to compose said poem/essay/treatise before rushing back to read it to my family. So I guess not much changes.
But amidst the constant overstimulation of parenthood there is the deepest deep down joy - never more so than during Christmas time. I know, I know, if I was a really good Catholic I’d keep the tree away and be sitting in the dark with my one candle contemplating the last days. It’s not even Advent yet, after all! Well, I hate to ruin this restrained image of myself (clearly you all must think of me this way), but our tree is decorated1 and I got about a thousand strings of warm twinkle lights so our living room now looks like a mix between the North Pole and an Italian restaurant.
Jo is 2 and a half now and this is the first year she is really, really excited and seems to understand what is going on.2 She’s also sharing wonderful seasonal compositions on her toddler piano - We Three Hedgehogs of Orient Are is sure to be a Christmas classic. Last year I was very pregnant and very tired and a tree fell on our heating oil tank on Christmas Eve. I was cold and uncomfortable and anxious and it was a tiring Advent/Christmas. So this year, even though the baby’s neediness3 and unpredictable nap schedule sends me into a near daily existential crisis4, I’m also really feeling the warmth and joy of the season. I’m ready to hunker down with hot tea/cider/mulled wine by the fire and soak it all in. Cheers to that.
an important anniversary
Tomorrow is the Feast of Christ the King which means Chris and I were received into the Catholic Church five years ago.5 In so many ways, I feel like it’s been much longer. Even though I was a baptized Methodist, no one in my family was remotely religious. And yet, the moment I found myself in an introduction to religion course for a liberal arts credit freshman year of college, I was enthralled. I quickly declared myself a duel religious studies/English major and found myself deep in St. Catherine of Siena’s Dialogue as I wrote my senior thesis. I went to Mass at the Oratory when I studied in Oxford and my heroes were C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, men of deep faith. But I was always an anthropologist - looking in on this strange, often very beautiful world, with an academic’s distance and judgement. There was a deep longing in being both in and out of the Church - of knowing the history and the sacraments and the theology, but not believing it.
I get a lot of emails asking me to do a post or a podcast episode about my conversion but I always shy away from it. Mostly because there was no road to Damascus moment, no ah-ha. It was a long, winding journey of understanding that in many ways is still ongoing. I will say that I certainly went through my honeymoon period as a new Catholic, when I was so thrilled to have figured it out, and thank goodness I didn’t try to talk about conversion then.
I remember once a priest describing the journey of faith as the shift from a closed fist to an open hand. My faith has given me the gift of reciprocity, of openness, which is a lot different from what I initially thought it had given me - certainty. There are many things I am uncertain of but I have not had to doubt God’s nearness, love, or existence. I can attest to that over and over again.
And while I have had very few “I hear the voice of God” moments there is one that I will share with you:
Looking out at a beautiful sunrise years and years ago, wondering where to next, what next, so much unsure, and amidst this confusion, an audible, clear, gentle prodding, “I have brought you to so much Beauty - do you not trust me to bring you to greater Beauty still?”
He has been true to His word.
and now onto the links…
- - the author of one of my favorite books (Wintering) has the best seasonal posts right now. Two I loved: How to Feel Grounded and The Art of Hibernation
A Zoomer explained her generation’s malaise - a powerful read from
“Everything that matters has been devalued for Zoomers, leaving behind a generation with gaping holes where the foundations of a meaningful life should be. They’re desperately grasping for alternative purpose-making systems, all of which fall short.”
A beautiful meditation on one of my absolute favorite stories6 - Les Miserables - from
“Jean Valjean chooses the law of mercy, the law of the Love which loved him when he was “but a dog.”1 Javert, who for his entire life has lived by the law of justice, cannot understand this mercy. He cannot comprehend it nor extend it to anyone, let alone himself. In the subsequent scene, Javert sings what can be recognized as the dark, inverted version of Jean Valjean’s repentance song from the beginning of the movie. This brilliant musical juxtaposition at play in this scene portrays the implication that both men have now been offered the same gift. Valjean has accepted it, but Javert cannot. He will not. He exclaims that he will spit in the face of Valjean’s mercy, that in granting him his life, he has in fact killed him. The song ends in suicide.
It was at this moment, as I watched Les Mis, that I realized the themes of Les Mis are not for Jean Valjean and Javert alone. They are for all of us. They are for me.”
The most delightful episode on Louisa May Alcott from
on “Old Books with Grace”Sweden is totally rolling back tech use in schools, going back to good old fashioned textbooks. I’m praying the US follows suit!
“There’s clear scientific evidence that digital tools impair rather than enhance student learning,” Sweden’s Karolinska Institute, a highly respected medical school focused on research, said in a statement in August on the country’s national digitalisation strategy in education.
“We believe the focus should return to acquiring knowledge through printed textbooks and teacher expertise, rather than acquiring knowledge primarily from freely available digital sources that have not been vetted for accuracy.”
stay tuned…
Starting next Sunday I’ll be sharing my Lord of the Rings Advent Guide. It’s been shared around the web a few years now, but I’ve retired the blog portion of my website, so this Substack will be the only place to access it now. If you have anyone you think might be interested, encourage them to subscribe so they don’t miss any posts! It’s a really fun way to incorporate some family movie watching of maybe the greatest films of all time7 with some Advent based discussion/journaling questions.
No surprise, I’ve got the Christmas carols going as I write this. I think my favorite carol will always be Hark! The Herald Angels Sing but a few other favorite melodies I don’t hear mentioned as often - Bring the Torch Jeanette, Isabella, Ding dong! Merrily on High!,8 and The Holly and the Ivy - are also some go-tos. Would love to hear what’s on your playlists in the comments.
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I wish you joy, candles, hot coffee, books, fuzzy socks, a fire in the fireplace, all good hygge things.
Cheers x
Katie
Jo told me her favorite part of the season is ‘decorating’ and so far this 100% accurate. She has taken the ornaments on and off about 3 times in order to keep the decorating good times going.
Though she does keep asking to go to Christmas - we’re working on the concept of time…
Does anyone else find the 9/10 month stage to be the absolute clingiest/most difficult time?
The other hardest part of parenthood for me - the lack of predictability. I’ve found I can deal with almost anything if I know what 'I’m in for, but the unpredictability and randomness sends me spiraling. I can’t even pretend to not be a control freak anymore.
Catholics are usually received into the Church at the Easter Vigil but because of a great deal of interest in RCIA at our parish at the time, we were able to start the process sooner and enter before Advent - a real gift to celebrate the season in full communion with the Church.
Equal love for the musical and Hugo’s novel (though yes, he could have used an editor!)
not really kidding
Anyone else think of the beginning of the 1994 Little Women when you hear this? Great Christmas movie, by the way.
I love Sting’s rendition of “There is No Rose” - it is joyful and mysterious at one and the same time. I never thought such an old English Medieval hymn could lend itself to a modern sound. But then, Sting is English and has all that lovely And distinctive English Christmas in his very blood.
My personal list contains Pierce Pettit's "Mirium", Kathy Mattea's "Good News" album, especially her version of "Brightest and Best" and her "Emmanuel". I too queue up Sting's "If on a Winters Night..." album. "Gabriel's Message" gives me chills every time. And Brad Roberts' bass in Crash Test Dummies' version of "The First Noel" always makes me hear that old carol in a new way.